On October 30, 2004, I will mark an anniversary of sorts. On this date one year ago, my life changed radically. I remember small details such as the physician’s matter-of-fact voice talking major surgery, chemotherapy, losing my hair. I recall the “dear-in-the-headlights” look in my husband’s face, a look likely mirrored in my own face.
Let’s see…
I recall the day was beautiful, warm and sunny. I don’t recall much of my drive back out to work or how I told my co-workers I scheduled for operation in approximately 3 weeks for what was, almost certainly, advanced ovarian cancer. I’ve been asked to share a few of the things which I found and did that helped me on this trip that started almost one year ago. My first response was probably pretty standard – DENIAL-“This can not be happening to me. I’m healthy. I eat right. I exercise.”
Then came -ANGER. I’d just had a complete physical with my doctor (which comprised the OB-Gyn exam) on August 28th. I was complaining to her for months about bloating, increased waist size, and fullness. But she’d promised me that everything was fine and my test was normal. How could she have missed a tumor the size of my fist? FEAR followed anger. I’ve never had surgery.
Chemotherapy?
A nightmare! I really don’t want to be ill. I do not want to lose my hair! What about work, my loved ones, my LIFE? Fear can be a terrific motivator. It prompted me to learn as much as I could about ovarian cancer, the operation, the chemotherapy protocols as well as the newest treatments and clinical trials.
Surgery was scheduled for November 24th, two days before Thanksgiving. In the three weeks before surgery, I organized my work load in my section in preparation for being gone for 6-8 weeks. I spent hours gleaning information on the web and library. I turned to family and friends for support and positive energy through prayer and visualization. With the support of my husband and a very dear friend, Sabrina, I started preparing for the operation.
We made pre and post operative tapes for anxiety relief (anxiety control), comfort, pain relief, and recovery. I practiced imagining an uneventful, no complications, very powerful surgery with minimal post-op distress and rapid recovery. My daily meditations included messages of self-healing and pictures of my immune system fighting and destroying the cancer cells. I continued to exercise and, in reality, went to my favourite exercise course the day before operation.
Exercise
It has played an extremely important role in my recovery from surgery and chemo. I went into operation feeling stronger, emotionally and physically, almost like I’d been preparing for a marathon. Along with increased exercise which included walking, step class, and weight training, I raised my vitamin intake to boost my immune system and energy levels. And just like an athlete preparing for an event, I endeavored to prepare myself emotionally and spiritually. I gathered all of the good wishes and positive healing energy from family and friends just like a cloak around me.
I worked very hard in controlling my fears about the surgery, chemo and my future instead of letting the fears control me! The morning of November 24th dawned cold and clear. Six AM discovered John and I on our way to UCSF to check in for surgery. I remember feeling somewhat disconnected to what was occurring, surrounded by a feeling of unreality. Instead, we’re speeding toward a huge unknown.
Take into account
I practiced some “grounding” and “centering” techniques that Sabrina had educated me and kept deep breathing whenever the”nervous butterflies” fluttered around inside of me. Checking in went smoothly. In my meeting with the anesthesiologist, I asked that he follow a script I had written up for him to use while speaking to me during the operation. The script had messages such as:”Everything is going smoothly, Barbara,” you will wake up feeling minimal distress,” You’ll have a quick recovery and complication.” He agreed to my request and I was off to surgery. The next few days are a blur, as I had been in and out of sedation and on pain medicine.
A couple of memories do stand out- many, many beautiful flowers being sent, gentle hands and voices caring for and reassuring me; the faces of my nearest and dearest looking stunned and fearful. I must have appeared fairly frightening with tubes and IV’s everywhere! All appeared to be progressing smoothly until three days before my release. I was awake and moving around my room, sitting in the seat, and walking the hallways. And I experienced my worst day! Up till that time and for what seemed like for months, I’d been actively placing on a good, strong, positive front.
My concept was that the more positive energy would be reflected back to me in the kind of:”It was not cancer, but only a benign cyst. Well, it’s cancer, but we caught it early. The operation will go great, and I’ll recover quickly. I’ll return to my normal life!” That day began with a trip from my surgeon. She said I’d had Stage IIIc ovarian cancer and she didn’t know if there was lymph node involvement. She was awaiting the report. She stated a discharge nurse could be by to talk chemo, wound care and in home followup. In her exam, the doctor discovered that my left leg was very swollen and she was sending me to have a CT Scan to rule out a blood clot. Also, my wound was infected in one area.
What now?
She removed a couple of principles and started me on IV antibiotics. The staple removal process was very painful and I cried. Getting in and out of the wheelchair and up and down off the table to the CT scan was painful and I cried. Looking down at my 13 inch abdominal wound that was stapled except for a three inch open area and seeing my bloated to “twice it’s size” left leg made me cry. And then there was the trip with the release nurse. A great woman with a friendly smile as she talked about chemo protocols which I’d be starting in 3 weeks, all which would lead to loss of hair, eyelashes and eyebrows.
I cried. I felt so jeopardized, so exposed and SO ANGRY! Picture an armful of IV’s shaking a fist in the sky. Looking back, I believe finally becoming mad and crying was great for me. After all, this was not fair, I did not deserve this and the entire thing was overwhelming! The following day was a little brighter. I went back to listening to my tapes, practicing my meditation and using the techniques that Sabrina and John had instructed me for stress and pain relief. The CT scan was negative. No blood clots. My body was only redistributing fluids. I increased my walks around the halls and the swelling began to dissipate. The pathology report revealed, to the surgeon’s surprise, there was no lymph node involvement! And, after 10 days of hospitalization, I was going home.
Fresh air
That first breath of fresh air was paradise! San Francisco was at it’s prettiest-clear blue skies, warm sunshine on my head and a cool breeze caressing my lips and tousling my hair. My brother carefully loaded me and my pillow into his car and I was, mercifully, on my way home. My husband, sister Nance and my mother welcomed me with a clean home, a lot of yummy treats and loving arms. My sister, Laurie, would arrive in a couple of days. The house would be decorated for Christmas and I was planning to embark on phase 2, recovery from surgery and beginning chemotherapy.
The next part of the story will be printed in a future publication. It clarifies the chemotherapy, discovering clinical studies, free approaches to beating ovarian cancer which have been work for Barbara. Ovarian cancer has been considered hard to detect with vague symptoms that seem the same as other conditions such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome and PMS. I was experiencing gas, bloating, fullness, and urinary tract problems for many months. I complained to my physician. She suggested dietary changes but never did any follow up testing.
A simple blood test called CA-125 could have alerted her to the problem before it had progressed to Stage III. An elevated CA-125 (above 35) is indicative of ovarian cancer, particularly along with the other symptoms I had. New research points to a definite indication of this disease: the existence of three specific symptoms concurrently – increased waist size, gas or bloating, and the urgent need to urinate. Since my diagnosis, many friends and my sister have asked that their physicians do a baseline CA-125, particularly, if they had symptoms of bloating or gas. Fortunately, they’re fine.
Final note
I urge you to do research, get advice and if you have any symptoms or concerns, speak with your physician and be assertive about what you would like. The following is a list of vitamin and nutritional supplements which I took to prepare for operation and to accelerate postoperative healing. Vitamin A: 25,000 IU daily- many studies have demonstrated the beneficial effects of Vitamin A on recovery after surgery. Vitamin C: 2,000 mg daily – essential for collagen synthesis that’s part of normal wound healing. Arnica montana 30x, 3-4 pellets twice daily on the day before operation and also as shortly before operation as possible. Then take them whenever possible from the recovery room. Take for one week after surgery. Arnica is very good at preventing ill effects from any type of physical trauma.
I also took Cat’s Claw. I found information about this herb online and began taking it when I had been diagnosed. I continue to take it every day. Cat’s Claw is native to the Amazon rainforest and other tropical regions of South and Central America. It’s been used for over 2,000 years by native peoples for an assortment of conditions including wound healing, cancer, inner cleansing, and “normalizing” the body. It’s been used in Europe and Peru since the early 1990’s as an adjunctive treatment for cancer and AIDs in addition to other diseases that target the immune system.